Chapter 7 - The Epidemic Scare

When going through a recession, the common man is even more susceptible to worries over health and safety. If the corporate bailout well has run dry and there aren't any convenient kidnappings to exploit (see Chapter 4), the most potent fear-generating (see Neilsen ratings) subject is the ever-popular sudden epidemic.

To write your own epic-demic story, follow these easy step-by-cough instructions:

1) Devise a name. It's all about animal imagery. If it's going to originate from somewhere overseas, go with "bird", "gull" or "bat". Use the last one sparingly, as the comic-book fandom may mistake it for something desirable. Also stay away from "eagle", as you don't want the Liberal media thinking you're too patriotic (see CNN).

Likewise, if it's from a mainland connection or impoverished region, use farm or wild animals. "Cow", "swine" and "coyote" should work just fine. You want to associate these illnesses with inferior countries/cities/neighbourhoods to help with your Nationalist agenda (see Chapter 2).

2. Set up the coverage. You want the story to leak JUST as spring rolls in. Not too early, not too late. Too early? People will forget about it (see ADHD, Alzheimer's) come vacation season. Too late? You'll clog the highways and airports with frenzied traffic, which will force you to bump your whole schedule forward three months (see road rage, holiday rush, DUI, kidnappings).

Your ultimate goal is to prolong the recession by deterring people from travelling (since that would pump money into the economy, and that's never good). Why travel to other recessed recesses when you can recess in your own recessed recess in recessive recession? But I digress from my excessive recession obsession.

3. Control the release. You don't wanna drop the bomb too soon. After all, this is a fictitious disease, and you don't want those pesky scientists to disprove you with their "research" and "clinical trials" and "expert opinions" (see blasphemy). Give just enough information to scare people. People are afraid of what they don't understand (see religion), so hold back and only speculate (see lying-through-your-teeth).

All that's left to do is sit back and watch the chaos. And after all, isn't that what journalistic integrity is all about?